The Most Overrated Holiday Of The Year

AKA- New Year's Eve!!

It's a night in which everyone in New York City pays an exhorbitant amount of money to go to a bar with 300 other people that they don't know in order to have a great time. Chances are that you won't have a good time and it'll be a gaggle of bridge and tunnel weirdos ruining your night.



I like to consider New Year's "amateur night." People who don't normally go out tend to consider themselves badasses on New Year's, which makes it hard for people who actually want to enjoy themselves when there are idiots running around the city.

Why can't I just go to a party at someones house and hang out with friends? Why is it now the norm for everyone to pay $150 for a ticket to a bar you could get into for free on any other night of the year?

This year, in protest of stupidity, I will be having a frill-free New Year's Eve. I'm going to attend a house party and I will wear jeans. I might even wear a sweatshirt. Take that, slutty-girls from Long Island!

Spring Awakening

Anyone who knows me understands that I have a bit of a thing when it comes to Broadway shows. By "thing," I mean slight obsession. I like to stay current with the new shows and it's always been a dream of mine to be a part of the Broadway community. So I regularly see new and interesting shows.

This past Tuesday, I saw "Spring Awakening," a new musical based on the controversial German play with music by Duncan Sheik. I was skeptical going in, unsure on whether or not Duncan Sheik could be trusted with musical theatre. Just look at what happened to Paul Simon's "The Capeman." Oh, you didn't see that one? That's ok, because I think that me and my father might have been the only ones who did see it.

To say that I enjoyed the show would be an understatement. I only wish that I was a teenager when this came out, as it would have changed my life. The play itself is based upon the 1891 play by Frank Wedekind- it was racy then and its racy now. The story is about teenagers going through life, and mainly puberty, without really understanding what is happening to themselves. When they ask their parents they don't get any answers, leaving them to figure it out on their own.



I haven't felt this strongly about a musical since I saw "Rent" over ten years ago. The story will touch anyone who was 16 and clueless which, basically, was everyone you know at one point or another. And the music? Well, let's just say that Duncan Sheik did not disappoint. I was rocking out in my chair...and I don't usually do such things in public. At least not until I've had a few drinks.

So go see "Spring Awakening" as soon as you can. I can't recommend it enough.

The OC And Why You Should Be Watching It Right Now

Last season on The OC, things ended with a bang. What was the bang, you ask? Well, the worst part of the entire show, Mischa Barton, was killed off in a ridiculously dramatic, overdone sequence that could only be done on The OC. I loved it. But I guess I just lost my faith this summer. Rumors abounded about how the new season was going to be lackluster and I believed them. In fact, I hadn't watched a new episode until this evening.



What always got me about this show was the Chrismukkah episodes. Something about Seth Cohen making up a holiday and enforcing rules on everyone really got me going. Also, I have a not-so-secret crush on Mr. Cohen...sue me. Anyway, Chrismukkah rocks.

So when I realized that tonight was the Chrismukkah episode, I knew I had to tune in. I mean, there are Chrismukkah miracles happening everyday, so who was I to say that the miracle wasn't converting me back to this fabulous show? Needless to say, that WAS the miracle tonight! Hooray!!

Ryan, all broody and angry over Marissa's death, has started hooking up with Taylor- a surprise enjoyment from last season. If that isn't a great pairing, I don't know what is. Oh, wait, Seth and Summer are the best....Sethummer forever.

Ok, so back to my point. I had a point? Right...it's that I actually think The OC might be pretty good this season. The underdog that everyone was counting out seems to fighting back. And it's fighting pretty viciously, if I may say so. So I recommend that you start watching it again. Remember, there's no regrets in The OC. Actually, there probably are regrets, but just watch the show. You'll thank me in May, bitch.

Vice Stevens

Ok, so for the past few months I have been working with/helping out a local NYC band. The bands name is Vice Stevens and they rock out. The thing is, I wouldn't have stuck with them if I didn't believe in their music and what they are trying to do. It's important to get to know new, unsigned, original bands and that's what I'm trying to do with Vice. So allow me to introduce to you, Vice Stevens:

A year after their formation, and fresh off their 2006 tour of Europe, Vice Stevens is taking to the streets in your city, with all the zest and unhinged potential energy of a diesel freight train. Fueled by their unique brand of New York indie-- rocking stylings of pop, punk, reggae and new wave, they have just completed their first wave of singles and are looking to spread this new sound from coast to coast-- from the mountains to the country side.

Vice Stevens is constantly pushing the limits and concepts of musical marketing and promotion utilizing a self-contained design branding and street team approach. Sensing the changing landscape of the music industry, Vice has decided to release their music single-by-single shying away from textbook album generation. This gives bits and morsels of their sound which are echoed through intense and one of a kind live performances.

With influences and inspirations running the gamut from Orange County, CA’s Sublime to The Police, Rancid, Radiohead, TV on the Radio, The Beatles and Red Hot Chili Peppers there is a lot to work from and songwriting seems to rise to these standards. Vice Stevens is Andrew Tepper (vocals), Jon Klekman (bass/vocals), Bennett Kolasinski (guitars, synth, vocals) and Carvel Jones (drums, percussion). They formed in late 2005 releasing their first single in early 2006, to much success and wide circulation on the Internet. “Such a Fool” is a reggae punk influenced anthem which talks about rebellion and love.


Check out their newest singles at www.vicestevens.com

Perez Shmerez

Why is this man cool? Sure, he has a ridiculously popular website, but still...he's an assclown. He's pretty scary to look at and he's a huge ass-kisser. In the words of Sandy, "you're a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid eyes on you!"



Perezhilton.com was cool at one point because he wasn't afraid to talk about celebrities and how crazy they are. And then he started to get semi-famous and all shreds of credibility he might have once had were gone. All of a sudden, he's hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan instead of making fun of them as he should be doing. What the frak!?!

His big claim to fame now is that he "outs" any gay celebrities. What a kind soul, no? Who would't love this big ball of nice?

My cause for outrage this evening was really the final straw for me. Tonight I saw him on VH1's Big in '06 awards. He was presenting the award for Biggest Outlaw, which went to Paris Hilton, and he introduced her by calling her his friend. Ok, Perez, we get it. You're "famous" now. You can hang out with Paris because you've stopped talking shit about her on your website. If the night went according to my own plans, Paris would have sucker-punched him in the face as she accepted the award from him. I guess a girl can always keep dreaming.

Gobble

Thanksgiving is upon us. The holiday made specifically for and designed by Americans because it's an excuse for us to eat like the gluttoness masses we really are. Food is what makes or breaks this holiday.

My personal favorite food of the entire holiday is stuffing. It's not very often that my mother makes stuffing...ok, it's really the only day of the year that we get to eat stuffing, but the point is that it's delicious and very bad for you. Maybe that's the reasoning behind the once a year thing.

This year the festivities will be held at my house, which means that there will be about 25 people hanging around and trying to help while only adding to the confusion. Also, with that amount of people and the fact that it's the Irish side of my family, we'll probably have about 20 pounds of mashed potatos, 2 turkeys, limited vegetables, and lots of dessert.

My mother always trys to get ahead of the melee by cooking a day or two beforehand. This year she chose to bake the pumpkin pie on Sunday. Bad move, mom. Obviously the sheer knowledge that there was pie in the house was too much to take for my stepfather and me...so we've already eaten it. Seriously, there's one slice left. Sorry about that!

Needless to say, I'm very excited for Thursday. If only for the fact that I won't feel guilty about eating everything...because I'm not the only one.

I suck at life

Yeah. I want to apologize for the utter lack of involvement as of late.

It's not like I planned this. You know I still have feelings for this blog. It's just...life has gotten really hectic lately. I'm working part-time and doing some freelance work.

And, well, I'm writing for another blog. It's nothing serious! I swear. They offered me money and that's something that I couldn't get here. Don't hate me.

But, if I can, I want to make a commitment again. I can do this. I know it. So let's get right into it and talk about something we both love.

Anna Nicole Smith. Yeah, she's officially gone off the deep end. After her son died, she married her lawyer, and pretended that she wasn't high all the time. First signs of total sanity, right?

Now, the home she's been staying in has officially filed a complaint with its owner because they turned off the electricity on her. This is like trying to get rid of raccoons or bears. You get rid of things that they like, such as garbage or anything edible. Only with Anna Nicole, you turn off the electricity because without power and running water, she'll have nothing to use to swallow all those pills. The crazy train not only stopped off at that house, it took a long time to refuel and cool down before it heads on over to Italy for Tom and Katie's wedding.



Good luck, Anna. You sure as hell need it.

My fan club

As of yet, there isn't one. But if you would like to become a member, you should.

I figure that I'm going to be a big deal at some point, so why not hop on the bandwagon now before it gets really crowded? I feel as though we need t-shirts. My friend Emilie will be the main design person, as she has already come up with a fabulous idea. Picture your typical Che Guevara t-shirt that all the angry kids wear but really don't know who he even is. Now, picture my face on that shirt. Yeah, it's gonna be huge.

I'm hoping to have my own reality tv show in which the cameras follow me and I comment on the daily goings-on of my life. Now, to be fair, not much goes on in my life so it won't be a huge hit. More of a sleeper. I can already picture it. It'll be like the movie "EdTV"but with much less excitement. This already sounds like an instant classic to me.

So get ready for me. It's gonna be huge.

I Knew It!

So it turns out that, within this whole Anna Nicole Smith debacle that has been going on lately, the father of her baby has been revealed. And I think that someone owes me money cause I called this one years ago.

Anna Nicole's creepy lawyer, Howard Stern, is the baby daddy. I win.

Kind of a big deal

I don't know if you know this about me but I'm huge in Japan.

Not really but, I think you get the idea. Check out this website for some more of my inane musings on life and pop culture.

Thanks!

Premiere's galore!

It's finally here: the week that the summer re-runs come to an end and the new episodes return. It's Premiere Week!

The fall season of television is always a great way to figure out if you are going to become a hermit during the cold winter months or if you will be a part of the festive goings-on of the holiday season. I'm going to call it early this year and say: hermitage all the way.

First, there are some great shows coming back this season: The Office, Grey's Anatomy, America's Next Top Model...I could go on. But what really inspires me this year is that the new shows don't seem so terrible. "The Class" on CBS looks promising, mainly because it isn't another form of CSI. NBC is coming back strong this year with "Heroes," "Kidnapped," and "Studio 60" (which is probably my favorite of the whole bunch). Should be a good year.

I'm intrigued by the new CW network and will be interested to see what they have up their sleeves. I won't lie and say that I'm not a sucker for a good teen dramedy (who isnt?!) but, will combining the shows of UPN (a traditionally more...."urban" network) with those of the WB (known for its verbose teenagers who tackle issues from jealousy to vampires) ensure a success? Guess we'll see.

Good luck to all the new shows and I'll see you all in person in May, after season finales.

This Just In: Ashlee Simpson to Horrify Londoners

Is this really necessary?

Ashlee Simpson isn't an actress. Nor is she a spectacularly talented singer. So imagine my surprise when I found out that she would be performing in the London cast of "Chicago." It's a well-known fact that people who are playing in the West End, or Broadway, should have a modicum of talent. Sadly, due to declining sales, the Theatre industry is whoring itself out to the less-famous sisters of actual celebrities. First Haylie Duff is on Broadway and now Ashlee (i HATE that she spells her name that way) in the West End. All I can say is: ick.

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Hey! What's up!? Listen, buddy- there have been lots of things going on with you lately and I feel that it is my duty, as your best friend that you have yet to meet, to tell you what the deal is. I'm sure you're too coked up to realize but you are well on your way towards ruining this stellar career you've been building since the age of 5. Don't become another washed up, Tara Reid-esque, Hollywood burnout because I KNOW you have talent left in you...somewhere.

First, lets talk about the fact that you have turned into a 45 year old woman with emphysema. I mean, your voice? It's really getting bad. Stop with the smoking...although who am I to talk, right? (lol, omg!) Also, there have been a lot of gross pics of you lately...pics in which you look like a 6 year old girl (and I'm not talking about your youthful face), so put on some underwear before you step off a boat or out of a car. It's not very lady-like to flash the world with your ladybits.

Quit it with the serial dating of complete douchebags. They won't make you happy like Wilmar did. His talents are now being broadcast to the world through the genius of "YO' Momma," and no one can compete with that. I know it's hard but, take it one day at a time and you can come out on top! Maybe signing on to make "The Parent Trap 2," (perhaps this time a bit more autobiographical like your stellar video for "Confessions of a Broken Heart," in which your father, played by Dennis Quaid once again, becomes angry and abusive and starts to verbally abuse the twins and finally gets thrown into jail for money laundering!) might inspire a turn in the right direction? These are just some ideas to get the ball rolling...don't feel obligated to option that plotline.

Anyway LiLo, you've had a good run so far. I mean, you're 20(ish) and you've already hosted SNL more than once, you've had some stellar movies, and you are constantly the center of everyone's attention. All I'm saying is- take it down a notch. Maybe cool it with the crazy. As your besty, I'm just looking out for you. That's all I've ever really cared about.

Peace and Hugs,
Ash :)

Right Ade

As I was waiting on line at Rite Aid (and yes, as a New Yorker I say "on line," not "in line," so shut up) and something delicious caught my eyes. I don't know about any of you, all 4 loyal readers, but I love Entenmann's treats. They are spectacular and should be celebrated more often. So imagine my surprise when I saw this sign attached the boxes of mini treats:




Yes. That says "ENTEBNANN'S." Now, Entenmann's might be tough to spell out, I'll give you that, Rite Aid but, I will not stand for sheer stupidity. Just look at the boxes you are attaching this super savings sign onto and perhaps you will discover that, ALAS! You have misspelled the name of the distributor of delicious, sweet treats. Also, you spelled "varieties" incorrectly. There is only one "a" in the word and it's at the beginning.

In closing, please be kind enough to utilize spell check OR ask a friend for a quick proofreading session before you tag up the items, incompetent Rite Aid workers.

One can only hope

That this is the beginning of the end

Donna Martin can finally graduate!!

My dreams have finally come true...in the form of a dvd box set!

If you are a child of the 90's, then you realize what a huge deal this is: 90210 is FINALLY coming out on dvd.

Now we can re-watch our favorite episodes- when Brenda and Dylan consummate their relationship at the prom, when Brandon meets Emily Valentine, that time that Kelly got raped...and shot...and caught in a burning house...and was attacked by her single white female-esque stalker. Good ol' Kelly Taylor.

Life is good.



(The best part of this picture is not the prominent sideburns or the fact that everyone is dressed so, well, cool. No. It's the fact that there is a banner, in Russian, on the bottom. I can only imagine that it reads as follows: "Capitalist children will soon reap what they have sown. Long live the Revolution!")

Don't know if you knew this....

...but I'm bringing sexy back.

BA-DUM-BUM!

I've just given you a small taste of what happens when a cool new song, with a snazzy title, hits the airwaves. We all become morons and continually place it in our conversations. I won't plead innocent to this...as I have recently changed my phone-ringer to Mr. Timberlake's new classic.

Just thought that it needed to be pointed out that no one has any sense of individuality right now. For instance: myspace. People change their display names on myspace to be all cool and have a unique identity, i get it. That's how you can tell how cool I am- my display name reads as follows: "ashley." But when everyone and their mom changes their display name to "sexy back," or "Jane [is bringing sexy back]," it makes me realize the utter lack of creativity currently plaguing the good ol' usa.

Now that I've said my peace, I'm off to go salivate at the video for "Sexy Back" and play my ring-tone over and over again.



ps- this picture is so strange that I had to include it...how exactly does that bring any sort of sexy back anywhere?

Adopt Me!

Ever wonder what it would be like if you were adopted by a famous family? I often wonder what it would be like if only to escape the day to day crazy that goes along hand-in-hand with my own family.

Here's my personal wishlist of who I want to be adopted by...

The Simpsons- All that the South has to offer, according to me. The creepy sexual overtones from Poppa Joe directed towards Ashleeeee (I add extra e's to prove the point that she is mocking the sanctity of the name) and Jessica completely creeps America out. So much so that I think it's time that I threw my hat in and gave a report from the frontlines of indecency. I can be present for all father-daughter spats and I'll hastily slip out of the room for their make-up kissfest.


Whitney and Bobby- After the intial search for a wiretap on my person, I'm sure the Houston-Brown clan will be welcoming and even happy to have me there. It'll remind them of the beginning of their relationship when Bobby introduced Whitney to crack. They can teach me all about proper pipe cleansing, which rocks you avoid and which you smoke immediately upon purchase, and how to be a Black Hebrew. I'll have to decline the trip to Israel for baptism...I hear things are a bit dodgy there right now.


The Cruise Clan- How great/creepy would that be? First off, I'd quell all rumors regarding the existence of one Suri Cruise (my money says she was bought on the blackmarket for a pretty penny once Tom realized he couldn't sleep with Katie...cause he's gay). We would stay up all night talking about Scientology, aliens, and L. Ron Hubbard. JOY! Once we were all comfortable with one another, we would have a weekly "family night" where we would play games and talk about our days. Eventually, they will no longer need to pretend they have a daughter named "Suri" when they have a perfectly good one named Ashley.



In future posts I will discuss more famous families that I want to join. Until then, guess I'm gonna have to deal with my less-famous, intriguing family that I have now.

This could be the greatest thing ever....or the saddest.

Please read and laugh as necessary:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060826/ap_en_tv/people_federline

Will Work For Interview

So I guess that I forgot to mention that I take a 2-3 month hiatus during the summer. Consider it my very own summer vacation, only with less sleep and more kids. I have worked at a summer camp for the past 8 years, which has provided me with some of the best memories that I will ever have but also with some of the most sleep deprived years that I will never get back. Working at a camp is great....working at my camp was awesome.

But, on the down side, I still have to field the question: "When are you going to get a real job?" I'm totally serious when I say that that question NEVER gets old. You see, getting up at 7:45 and working straight through 11:30 at night is definitely not MY definition of a real job. No, sitting at a desk and zoning out for a good 2 hours everyday is way more respectable than what I did. I will gladly point out that my job may have been way more fun than yours. We had a carnival, dances, sports days, water days...all sorts of stuff like that. So yes, I worked at a summer camp this summer and had a great time.



Now it's back to the "grind" as I like to call it. Only problem is, I've fallen out of the "grind." I don't have a job and I have to make the effort to find one. I kindof just wish that there was a way that I could find a job and take it. No interviews, no waiting impatiently for a week to hear back...just give me the job. In the spirit of my wish, I would like to be famous. Paris Hilton did it without having any redeeming qualities...why can't I? I'm way funnier, a lot shorter, and not as much of a whore. I think that is more than enough qualification for the job. So next time you hear from me, I'll be releasing my new single, getting engaged to some Greek guy, and will start a really dumb feud with my best friend.

I <3 England

An update on me as a person: I am an Anglophile. I adore everything from England/Ireland/Scotland/Wales. If you really want to know why, I think it is because Europe is infinitely cooler than the US, and I wish I was born there.

Moving onto the point, everyone should be watching the show "Little Britain." Starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams, the show is one of the most brilliant pieces of comedy ever written. Characters include Daffyd- the only gay in the village, Emily Howard- a seriously delusional transvestite, and Vicky Pollard- the most atrocious delinquent in all of Little Britain. The show is on BBC America and the second season just came out on DVD.

My friend Kevin and I cannot stop quoting this show. I am one of those people who can speak entirely in quotes from pop culture for about 5 days straight without tiring of it. I should have been on the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1, if only I hadn't missed my opportunity to audition in NYC...dammit. But "Little Britain" has just added to my reperatoire of un-original material.

In conclusion, go watch this show. You will be forever grateful.

My next post will concern the other objects of my affection from the other side of the pond. Including some things that are so underground, you will think I am the most pretentious ass in the city...which I just might be, when it comes to Britain.

World Cup, Shmorld Cup

Why aren't Americans more excited about the World Cup?

Soccer is the number one sport in the world, for god's sake! And the biggest tournament that only happens once every four years is featured on ESPN2? Not even ESPN?! Ludicrous.

As a former soccer player, I can safely say that its an amazing sport. The game changes every ten seconds, you are always on the edge of your seat, and not to mention that there are some really good looking players from the European clubs that we need to be more aware of. Yes, I know...David Beckham is very hot, but why don't we hear more about Michael Owen?



Now, that is a handsome man. And he is an amazing athlete...double score. Or how about Luca Toni, the Italian star that is expected to wipe the floors clean with the American team this saturday:



My point today is that Americans are seriously underestimating the impact that professional soccer could have on our lives. The players are hot, there are fun chants involved, and it might actually help us not look like imperialistic idiots who want everything done "the USA way" (The World Series of Baseball that doesn't actually include the rest of the world but we continue to insist that its the greatest game ever played) or not at all.

Oh, and I'm also tired of people trying to say that America chooses not to be involved in the worldwide soccer frenzy because its a "dumb" sport. Those people are dumb. I have many arguments against them, but I choose to take the higher, more educated, classy road of ignoring them and giving them the silent treatment. HA! I win, idiots.

Why do you think they call it "dope?"

I was just watching "The Drug Years" on VH1 and I can't decide whether or not its trying to point out the drug-filled excesses of yore or tell us just how much fun doing drugs can be?

I don't condone drug use, although I do think its crazy how coke is now becoming the big "thing" when it was the only "thing" that people in my high school did (Guess that's what I get for going to school with rich kids from manhattan), but this documentary thing is making me second-guess their motives for their "rock docs" series. It's doubtful that someone will watch this and think that drugs are the worst thing ever.

I don't know...maybe I'm nuts. Let me know if you've seen it and/or agree.

That's my new philosophy...

In the words of Oscar Wilde "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

There is my entire life, summed up in 15 words.

"You like my body? Want a car??"

I am shocked, awed, and terrified to report this news to all 4 of my loyal readers: Anna Nicole Smith is preggers.

"Let me stop all the rumors. Yes, I am pregnant. I'm happy, I'm very very happy about it. Everything's goin' really, really good and I'll be checking in and out periodically on the Web and I'll let you see me as I'm growing."

Oh, happy day. If it wasn't enough to bring little Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt into the world, now we will have the spawn of Ms. Smith. It's my guess that she either got impregnated by her creepy lawyer, Howard Stern, or the obsessive/creepy assistant who claims she is a woman, but who I secretly suspect is a dude.

No matter who the "father" is, this is gonna be great. See you in 9 months, Baby Smith!

PS- I'm starting a list of potential baby names for the little one. Here's what I have so far, based upon the insane ramblings of one Ms. Smith: "Hand me the cheese donut" Smith, "Don't I already have a kid? I don't remember" Smith, and (my personal fave) "Hopelessly Fucked" Smith.

The Apocalypse?

Call me crazy, but I doubt that Katie Couric leaving The Today Show is going to effect the world. I have never seen a bigger to-do over someone who reads semi-important news stories, interviews celebrities and tells me how to make the best potato salad for Memorial Weekend (ps-that recipe was splendid...what a huge hit!).

She's moving down 2 channels. Not to Beiruit. I think I can handle the leap.

I want Charles in charge of me...

Cruising through the channel guide tonight and I noticed that tv has gone to hell. Case in point: the made-for-tv movie on Fox Family, "Karate Dog." That's right...a dog. A dog that does...karate. Where are the Full Houses and Perfect Strangers of yore?

Tv is just bad nowadays. If I see one more version of "CSI", I might vomit. Honestly, CSI:Miami, CSI:Las Vegas, CSI:Shut the hell up. I want something simple like "Columbo". Gimme a guy in a trenchcoat who pretends to be dumb...only to outsmart the criminals in the end. That's good tv.

And did I just read somewhere that "7th Heaven" might actually continue for another season on the fake CW network? Huh? I thought that show was over about 8 years ago. Apparently, its been on for about 10 years. Great. In my heart of hearts, I secretly hoped that no one actually watched that show. Sadly, it looks like I was wrong.

We need to turn things around. We need some fresh thinking and a new outlook for prime-time shows. I think we are overlooking a serious niche that was once capitalized upon in the late 80's and 90's: shows about male nannies. Don't know if you realize, but there were three very popular shows back in the day that were about male nannies/housekeepers. I guess this was in response to the "return" of women in the workforce. Way to break through that glass ceiling, mom!

So let's reminisce for a second about three of my favorites: "Mr. Belvedere," "Who's the Boss," and "Charles in Charge." Classics, to say the least. I loved Mr. Belvedere. A fat, British man becomes the housekeeper for a brash, American family? Culture clash = great comedy. Same goes for "Who's the Boss?" An ex-boxer and his tonboy daughter from Brooklyn moving in with a proper, WASP family in CT? Say WHAT?!?! But let us not forget the greatest of all the man/woman role-reversal comedies: "Charles in Charge." He could be in charge of my days...and my nights....of my wrongs...and even of my rights. (Is it obvious that I had a bit of a crush on the Baio?)

In conclusion, I just want to say that tv has gone to crap. I need some good, laugh-track laden comedies where all problems can be solved in 22 minutes. Say NO to "Karate Dog."

An Open Letter To Saturday Night Live

Dear SNL,

Well. You did it. The 2005-06 season is over. Give yourself a pat on the back for making it through in one piece...sortof.

You started off a little shaky. Remember when everyone was saying that this season was probably one of the worst you've had? I'm not gonna lie...I agreed. But you showed real promise with your featured players like Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis. All three were very welcome addition to the cast. Then came the golden child: Andy Samberg. His "brilliant" video, Lazy Sunday, was a runaway hit that you definitely deserved and needed (ok, I'll admit that I was a big fan of it for about 2 weeks just like everyone else). But then...you got a little ahead of yourself. The Digital Shorts were cool the first time or two. But you went a bit overboard. We all knew it but, we wouldn't say anything because you did something really funny once so we thought that with a little breathing room you could come up with something good again. But you didn't. I was a little upset and I think I still am. It was funny and yet not funny enough. Oh and do me a favor? Make Andy Samberg do some live sketches and then I'll think he's worth being on your show. I believe its called Saturday Night LIVE not "Saturday Night Live with pre-taped digital shorts featuring Andy!"

The saving grace this season was the triumphant return of Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey and the increase in skits for Amy Poehler. The "Kaitlin and Rick" skit? Genius. You should do that every week. Mainly because my stepdad's name is Rick and it reminds me of myself when I was a hyperactive 12 year old.

Weekend Update is still great because it's Tina & Amy and nothing could be funnier. As long as you keep Jimmy-I can't keep a straight face- Fallon away from the newsdesk, I have no complaints.

Now, lets talk about Kristen Wiig. My new obsession, and not in the creepy stalker way, is probably the funniest person to join the show in a long time. Her impressions are uncanny and she's just all-around awesome. Is it just me or is the "Two A-holes" skit every single person that graduated from my college? I'm pretty sure she met some of them and then brainstormed with the writers about the yuppy scum from my alma mater only to turn out a brilliant piece of sketch comedy. Well played, Kristen.

In closing, SNL, I just want to say that I'm a bit disappointed but hopelessly optimistic about the future. If you continue to hone the talent you have you can have a great 2006-07 season. But here are a few helpful tips for the fall:

1) Cool it with the Digital Shorts
2) No more "Falconer" sketches...as they are not funny. But don't let that discourage you from showing off Will Forte cause he's really funny.
3) Kevin Spacey is a great host. DO NOT pair him with someone like Nelly Furtado. What a letdown.
4) I know that La Lohan was funny her first time as a host but, that doesn't mean you should keep having her as she delves further and further into her coke spiral. She's gross and just because she agrees to "make fun of herself" in the most tame way ever...don't give her another chance at host. I mean, she's no Tom Hanks.
5) Give me a job as a writer. Please?

Your friend,
Ashley
xoxo

Killer Alligators

Is anyone else a little frightened of the alligators that are on the warpath down in Florida?

And apparently, they only want to kill women.

Awesome!

Sometimes I'm "That Girl"

You know "that girl." You see her at parties and slyly comment to your friends: "God, I HATE that girl. Look at her! She is just a mess." It all culminates when she gets up on a table shouting "SHOTS!!" and then falls over when her legs turn to jelly because she was wearing 9 inch heels all night and dancing like a slut- a lethal combination.

But I am not "that girl" in the traditional sense of the term. Instead of turning into a giant whore everytime I drink, I merely become unhinged. All that concerns me is entertaining the people around me. So imagine, if you will, the hamming it up that occurs when inebriated because even during everyday life, I pander to my audience. It's probably a sickness that I inherited from my father but, I digress.

Let's talk about the crazy that occurs when I drink. One of my first times that I realized how ghastly my behavior is was during a weekend out on Fire Island with some of my co-workers when I was 17. I don't remember much but, what is clear is that I did everything I could to get a laugh. The pinnacle of the evening being when I started to do interpretive dance. I can confidently point to this moment as the beginning of the end. I drink and I interpretive dance. It's a vicious cycle. This isn't something that I'm proud of or something that I plan to do every time I drink. It just happens. All of a sudden the sounds of Vanessa Carlton's song "White Houses" starts and all those plans fly out the window.

If you have ever seen the video for this song you might remember Vanessa wearing some sort of unitard, dancing around like a weirdo while singing about losing her virginity. Well, in simple terms, I try to re-create that dance after about 5 cups of Skippy's and 4 Busch Lights. It's terrible but has provided my friends with some entertainment- and thats all I care about. I always laugh at the beginning of the night, swearing that I won't dance later on, "I'm 23, guys. I can't do that anymore." By around 2:30, all control is gone and I'm writhing around on the floor.

Needless to say...I'm ashamed. But if you give me a few drinks, I'll probably interpretive dance for you until I hear you laugh.

My Buggie and Me

My car, a yellow beetle, is so adorable. At first I hated it. Truthfully, I thought it was a wretched eyesore and couldn't bear to be seen in it. In my junior year of college, the first year that students can keep a car on campus, my parents "surprised" me by "giving" me the beetle. In reality, they bought out the lease and then told me that the monthly payments were $200. Great. But now, I've come to love the bug. I even had a new stereo system installed last year so that I could listen to my cds on the long drives to and from school without having to plug in an adaptor. The car has become my signature. Lots of people tell me that they can't picture me in another car, and I agree...it would be weird.

This morning, on my way to run some errands at the bank and the drug store, I found out that my car had been broken into. The morons who did this were obviously very unpracticed at breaking and entering because they didn't do any real damage. I walked out to the car and noticed that the drivers side door was ajar, so I looked inside and found utter chaos. The glove compartment had been opened up and rifled through, there were cd cases on the seats and papers were strewn all over the car. After a careful inspection, I noticed that they hadn't really taken anything of value. I didn't keep anything in the glove compartment except for a spare key (I know, that was stupid and I take responsibility) which they used to simply turn the car on and blast my stereo to its full potential. Notice: they did not TAKE the stereo they merely LISTENED to it. Retards.

All in all, the damage done was: one cd case (filled with burned cds) and 97 cents from the cupholder. The culprits were most likely rebellious little high school boys from the school across the street. I've hated them for as long as we have lived in this house...and that hatred continues to grow. The reason I'm pissed at them today, however, is not for their insolence and snotty teenage behavior but rather, their lack of appreciation for a good car. The LEAST they could have done was attempt to take the car! I would have felt better about the whole ordeal if they had taken the car for a joyride around town and THEN stolen the 97 cents.

It's about time

I've been saying for years (and by years I mean a few months) that it was time for the world to get to know me: the real, uncut Ashley. The time has come for all of you to be awed and amazed by my "skills." These skills include: a sharp wit, acid tongue, and sarcastic overtones. Some say that my modesty is overwhelming and I thoroughly agree.

The random things that I encounter throughout my daily life have been the fodder of jovial conversations for years between me and my friends. So it's only fair that I share, with the interweb community, the crazy occurrences of my day to day existence.

Lets start off with something simple: I am a smoker. I know, I know. "Boo" and "Hiss" all you will but, I love it. I can't explain the amazing sensation of sucking toxic carcinogens through my lungs (and I won't try) but, the least New Yorkers could do would be to understand that I have an addiction and not stare at me as though I am a leper whose nose is loosely hanging off her face. Stop staring at me and giving me dirty looks for enjoying a cigarette during my lunch hour.

Ever since the smoking ban took place in NYC, I have been one of its biggest fans. Who can honestly say that they enjoyed going to a bar only to come home and smell like an ashtray that was left in the rain for two straight days? I know that if I, a celebrated smoker, thought it was gross then the masses of non-smokers were overjoyed with the fact that it was no longer allowed inside bars and restaurants. But let's get one thing straight: if I'm no longer allowed to smoke indoors, I have to go outside for the forseeable future. Can we agree on that? The amount of times that I have been viciously stared down outside of my office for having a cigarette can't even be counted on both hands. And, not to sound like a bitter New Yorker (shock!) but, I am a conscientious smoker so back off. I take a drag, hold the cigarette behind me, and exhale upwards- not in people's faces. That's just rude...and if I am one thing, it's courteous....sometimes.

So I just ask that people respect the fact that I go outside to enjoy my cancer-stick (and please stop calling them that), and I understand that not everyone enjoys smoke in their face but when it's windy, shit happens. Hell, I hate smoke being blown in my face and I willingly ingest it at least 5-6 times a day. Just stop staring at me like I am the devil. Smoking isn't illegal and if it was, I'd move. Count your blessings. Be greatful that you don't live in Europe, where everyone smokes wherever they want, sometimes ashing onto your plate of food (by accident, of course) and then pretending that it's a part of the "ambience," of the Old Country. It's not ambience, it's gross.

On behalf of us all, I extend the metaphorical olive branch and propose a peaceful co-existence between smokers and non-smokers alike. I understand that I can't smoke inside so please understand that in order to abide by the law, I have to go OUTSIDE. If you happen to be in the same 100 feet, suck it up and keep walking.