An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Hey! What's up!? Listen, buddy- there have been lots of things going on with you lately and I feel that it is my duty, as your best friend that you have yet to meet, to tell you what the deal is. I'm sure you're too coked up to realize but you are well on your way towards ruining this stellar career you've been building since the age of 5. Don't become another washed up, Tara Reid-esque, Hollywood burnout because I KNOW you have talent left in you...somewhere.

First, lets talk about the fact that you have turned into a 45 year old woman with emphysema. I mean, your voice? It's really getting bad. Stop with the smoking...although who am I to talk, right? (lol, omg!) Also, there have been a lot of gross pics of you lately...pics in which you look like a 6 year old girl (and I'm not talking about your youthful face), so put on some underwear before you step off a boat or out of a car. It's not very lady-like to flash the world with your ladybits.

Quit it with the serial dating of complete douchebags. They won't make you happy like Wilmar did. His talents are now being broadcast to the world through the genius of "YO' Momma," and no one can compete with that. I know it's hard but, take it one day at a time and you can come out on top! Maybe signing on to make "The Parent Trap 2," (perhaps this time a bit more autobiographical like your stellar video for "Confessions of a Broken Heart," in which your father, played by Dennis Quaid once again, becomes angry and abusive and starts to verbally abuse the twins and finally gets thrown into jail for money laundering!) might inspire a turn in the right direction? These are just some ideas to get the ball rolling...don't feel obligated to option that plotline.

Anyway LiLo, you've had a good run so far. I mean, you're 20(ish) and you've already hosted SNL more than once, you've had some stellar movies, and you are constantly the center of everyone's attention. All I'm saying is- take it down a notch. Maybe cool it with the crazy. As your besty, I'm just looking out for you. That's all I've ever really cared about.

Peace and Hugs,
Ash :)