I <3 England

An update on me as a person: I am an Anglophile. I adore everything from England/Ireland/Scotland/Wales. If you really want to know why, I think it is because Europe is infinitely cooler than the US, and I wish I was born there.

Moving onto the point, everyone should be watching the show "Little Britain." Starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams, the show is one of the most brilliant pieces of comedy ever written. Characters include Daffyd- the only gay in the village, Emily Howard- a seriously delusional transvestite, and Vicky Pollard- the most atrocious delinquent in all of Little Britain. The show is on BBC America and the second season just came out on DVD.

My friend Kevin and I cannot stop quoting this show. I am one of those people who can speak entirely in quotes from pop culture for about 5 days straight without tiring of it. I should have been on the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1, if only I hadn't missed my opportunity to audition in NYC...dammit. But "Little Britain" has just added to my reperatoire of un-original material.

In conclusion, go watch this show. You will be forever grateful.

My next post will concern the other objects of my affection from the other side of the pond. Including some things that are so underground, you will think I am the most pretentious ass in the city...which I just might be, when it comes to Britain.

World Cup, Shmorld Cup

Why aren't Americans more excited about the World Cup?

Soccer is the number one sport in the world, for god's sake! And the biggest tournament that only happens once every four years is featured on ESPN2? Not even ESPN?! Ludicrous.

As a former soccer player, I can safely say that its an amazing sport. The game changes every ten seconds, you are always on the edge of your seat, and not to mention that there are some really good looking players from the European clubs that we need to be more aware of. Yes, I know...David Beckham is very hot, but why don't we hear more about Michael Owen?



Now, that is a handsome man. And he is an amazing athlete...double score. Or how about Luca Toni, the Italian star that is expected to wipe the floors clean with the American team this saturday:



My point today is that Americans are seriously underestimating the impact that professional soccer could have on our lives. The players are hot, there are fun chants involved, and it might actually help us not look like imperialistic idiots who want everything done "the USA way" (The World Series of Baseball that doesn't actually include the rest of the world but we continue to insist that its the greatest game ever played) or not at all.

Oh, and I'm also tired of people trying to say that America chooses not to be involved in the worldwide soccer frenzy because its a "dumb" sport. Those people are dumb. I have many arguments against them, but I choose to take the higher, more educated, classy road of ignoring them and giving them the silent treatment. HA! I win, idiots.

Why do you think they call it "dope?"

I was just watching "The Drug Years" on VH1 and I can't decide whether or not its trying to point out the drug-filled excesses of yore or tell us just how much fun doing drugs can be?

I don't condone drug use, although I do think its crazy how coke is now becoming the big "thing" when it was the only "thing" that people in my high school did (Guess that's what I get for going to school with rich kids from manhattan), but this documentary thing is making me second-guess their motives for their "rock docs" series. It's doubtful that someone will watch this and think that drugs are the worst thing ever.

I don't know...maybe I'm nuts. Let me know if you've seen it and/or agree.

That's my new philosophy...

In the words of Oscar Wilde "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

There is my entire life, summed up in 15 words.

"You like my body? Want a car??"

I am shocked, awed, and terrified to report this news to all 4 of my loyal readers: Anna Nicole Smith is preggers.

"Let me stop all the rumors. Yes, I am pregnant. I'm happy, I'm very very happy about it. Everything's goin' really, really good and I'll be checking in and out periodically on the Web and I'll let you see me as I'm growing."

Oh, happy day. If it wasn't enough to bring little Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt into the world, now we will have the spawn of Ms. Smith. It's my guess that she either got impregnated by her creepy lawyer, Howard Stern, or the obsessive/creepy assistant who claims she is a woman, but who I secretly suspect is a dude.

No matter who the "father" is, this is gonna be great. See you in 9 months, Baby Smith!

PS- I'm starting a list of potential baby names for the little one. Here's what I have so far, based upon the insane ramblings of one Ms. Smith: "Hand me the cheese donut" Smith, "Don't I already have a kid? I don't remember" Smith, and (my personal fave) "Hopelessly Fucked" Smith.

The Apocalypse?

Call me crazy, but I doubt that Katie Couric leaving The Today Show is going to effect the world. I have never seen a bigger to-do over someone who reads semi-important news stories, interviews celebrities and tells me how to make the best potato salad for Memorial Weekend (ps-that recipe was splendid...what a huge hit!).

She's moving down 2 channels. Not to Beiruit. I think I can handle the leap.

I want Charles in charge of me...

Cruising through the channel guide tonight and I noticed that tv has gone to hell. Case in point: the made-for-tv movie on Fox Family, "Karate Dog." That's right...a dog. A dog that does...karate. Where are the Full Houses and Perfect Strangers of yore?

Tv is just bad nowadays. If I see one more version of "CSI", I might vomit. Honestly, CSI:Miami, CSI:Las Vegas, CSI:Shut the hell up. I want something simple like "Columbo". Gimme a guy in a trenchcoat who pretends to be dumb...only to outsmart the criminals in the end. That's good tv.

And did I just read somewhere that "7th Heaven" might actually continue for another season on the fake CW network? Huh? I thought that show was over about 8 years ago. Apparently, its been on for about 10 years. Great. In my heart of hearts, I secretly hoped that no one actually watched that show. Sadly, it looks like I was wrong.

We need to turn things around. We need some fresh thinking and a new outlook for prime-time shows. I think we are overlooking a serious niche that was once capitalized upon in the late 80's and 90's: shows about male nannies. Don't know if you realize, but there were three very popular shows back in the day that were about male nannies/housekeepers. I guess this was in response to the "return" of women in the workforce. Way to break through that glass ceiling, mom!

So let's reminisce for a second about three of my favorites: "Mr. Belvedere," "Who's the Boss," and "Charles in Charge." Classics, to say the least. I loved Mr. Belvedere. A fat, British man becomes the housekeeper for a brash, American family? Culture clash = great comedy. Same goes for "Who's the Boss?" An ex-boxer and his tonboy daughter from Brooklyn moving in with a proper, WASP family in CT? Say WHAT?!?! But let us not forget the greatest of all the man/woman role-reversal comedies: "Charles in Charge." He could be in charge of my days...and my nights....of my wrongs...and even of my rights. (Is it obvious that I had a bit of a crush on the Baio?)

In conclusion, I just want to say that tv has gone to crap. I need some good, laugh-track laden comedies where all problems can be solved in 22 minutes. Say NO to "Karate Dog."

An Open Letter To Saturday Night Live

Dear SNL,

Well. You did it. The 2005-06 season is over. Give yourself a pat on the back for making it through in one piece...sortof.

You started off a little shaky. Remember when everyone was saying that this season was probably one of the worst you've had? I'm not gonna lie...I agreed. But you showed real promise with your featured players like Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis. All three were very welcome addition to the cast. Then came the golden child: Andy Samberg. His "brilliant" video, Lazy Sunday, was a runaway hit that you definitely deserved and needed (ok, I'll admit that I was a big fan of it for about 2 weeks just like everyone else). But then...you got a little ahead of yourself. The Digital Shorts were cool the first time or two. But you went a bit overboard. We all knew it but, we wouldn't say anything because you did something really funny once so we thought that with a little breathing room you could come up with something good again. But you didn't. I was a little upset and I think I still am. It was funny and yet not funny enough. Oh and do me a favor? Make Andy Samberg do some live sketches and then I'll think he's worth being on your show. I believe its called Saturday Night LIVE not "Saturday Night Live with pre-taped digital shorts featuring Andy!"

The saving grace this season was the triumphant return of Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey and the increase in skits for Amy Poehler. The "Kaitlin and Rick" skit? Genius. You should do that every week. Mainly because my stepdad's name is Rick and it reminds me of myself when I was a hyperactive 12 year old.

Weekend Update is still great because it's Tina & Amy and nothing could be funnier. As long as you keep Jimmy-I can't keep a straight face- Fallon away from the newsdesk, I have no complaints.

Now, lets talk about Kristen Wiig. My new obsession, and not in the creepy stalker way, is probably the funniest person to join the show in a long time. Her impressions are uncanny and she's just all-around awesome. Is it just me or is the "Two A-holes" skit every single person that graduated from my college? I'm pretty sure she met some of them and then brainstormed with the writers about the yuppy scum from my alma mater only to turn out a brilliant piece of sketch comedy. Well played, Kristen.

In closing, SNL, I just want to say that I'm a bit disappointed but hopelessly optimistic about the future. If you continue to hone the talent you have you can have a great 2006-07 season. But here are a few helpful tips for the fall:

1) Cool it with the Digital Shorts
2) No more "Falconer" sketches...as they are not funny. But don't let that discourage you from showing off Will Forte cause he's really funny.
3) Kevin Spacey is a great host. DO NOT pair him with someone like Nelly Furtado. What a letdown.
4) I know that La Lohan was funny her first time as a host but, that doesn't mean you should keep having her as she delves further and further into her coke spiral. She's gross and just because she agrees to "make fun of herself" in the most tame way ever...don't give her another chance at host. I mean, she's no Tom Hanks.
5) Give me a job as a writer. Please?

Your friend,
Ashley
xoxo

Killer Alligators

Is anyone else a little frightened of the alligators that are on the warpath down in Florida?

And apparently, they only want to kill women.

Awesome!

Sometimes I'm "That Girl"

You know "that girl." You see her at parties and slyly comment to your friends: "God, I HATE that girl. Look at her! She is just a mess." It all culminates when she gets up on a table shouting "SHOTS!!" and then falls over when her legs turn to jelly because she was wearing 9 inch heels all night and dancing like a slut- a lethal combination.

But I am not "that girl" in the traditional sense of the term. Instead of turning into a giant whore everytime I drink, I merely become unhinged. All that concerns me is entertaining the people around me. So imagine, if you will, the hamming it up that occurs when inebriated because even during everyday life, I pander to my audience. It's probably a sickness that I inherited from my father but, I digress.

Let's talk about the crazy that occurs when I drink. One of my first times that I realized how ghastly my behavior is was during a weekend out on Fire Island with some of my co-workers when I was 17. I don't remember much but, what is clear is that I did everything I could to get a laugh. The pinnacle of the evening being when I started to do interpretive dance. I can confidently point to this moment as the beginning of the end. I drink and I interpretive dance. It's a vicious cycle. This isn't something that I'm proud of or something that I plan to do every time I drink. It just happens. All of a sudden the sounds of Vanessa Carlton's song "White Houses" starts and all those plans fly out the window.

If you have ever seen the video for this song you might remember Vanessa wearing some sort of unitard, dancing around like a weirdo while singing about losing her virginity. Well, in simple terms, I try to re-create that dance after about 5 cups of Skippy's and 4 Busch Lights. It's terrible but has provided my friends with some entertainment- and thats all I care about. I always laugh at the beginning of the night, swearing that I won't dance later on, "I'm 23, guys. I can't do that anymore." By around 2:30, all control is gone and I'm writhing around on the floor.

Needless to say...I'm ashamed. But if you give me a few drinks, I'll probably interpretive dance for you until I hear you laugh.

My Buggie and Me

My car, a yellow beetle, is so adorable. At first I hated it. Truthfully, I thought it was a wretched eyesore and couldn't bear to be seen in it. In my junior year of college, the first year that students can keep a car on campus, my parents "surprised" me by "giving" me the beetle. In reality, they bought out the lease and then told me that the monthly payments were $200. Great. But now, I've come to love the bug. I even had a new stereo system installed last year so that I could listen to my cds on the long drives to and from school without having to plug in an adaptor. The car has become my signature. Lots of people tell me that they can't picture me in another car, and I agree...it would be weird.

This morning, on my way to run some errands at the bank and the drug store, I found out that my car had been broken into. The morons who did this were obviously very unpracticed at breaking and entering because they didn't do any real damage. I walked out to the car and noticed that the drivers side door was ajar, so I looked inside and found utter chaos. The glove compartment had been opened up and rifled through, there were cd cases on the seats and papers were strewn all over the car. After a careful inspection, I noticed that they hadn't really taken anything of value. I didn't keep anything in the glove compartment except for a spare key (I know, that was stupid and I take responsibility) which they used to simply turn the car on and blast my stereo to its full potential. Notice: they did not TAKE the stereo they merely LISTENED to it. Retards.

All in all, the damage done was: one cd case (filled with burned cds) and 97 cents from the cupholder. The culprits were most likely rebellious little high school boys from the school across the street. I've hated them for as long as we have lived in this house...and that hatred continues to grow. The reason I'm pissed at them today, however, is not for their insolence and snotty teenage behavior but rather, their lack of appreciation for a good car. The LEAST they could have done was attempt to take the car! I would have felt better about the whole ordeal if they had taken the car for a joyride around town and THEN stolen the 97 cents.

It's about time

I've been saying for years (and by years I mean a few months) that it was time for the world to get to know me: the real, uncut Ashley. The time has come for all of you to be awed and amazed by my "skills." These skills include: a sharp wit, acid tongue, and sarcastic overtones. Some say that my modesty is overwhelming and I thoroughly agree.

The random things that I encounter throughout my daily life have been the fodder of jovial conversations for years between me and my friends. So it's only fair that I share, with the interweb community, the crazy occurrences of my day to day existence.

Lets start off with something simple: I am a smoker. I know, I know. "Boo" and "Hiss" all you will but, I love it. I can't explain the amazing sensation of sucking toxic carcinogens through my lungs (and I won't try) but, the least New Yorkers could do would be to understand that I have an addiction and not stare at me as though I am a leper whose nose is loosely hanging off her face. Stop staring at me and giving me dirty looks for enjoying a cigarette during my lunch hour.

Ever since the smoking ban took place in NYC, I have been one of its biggest fans. Who can honestly say that they enjoyed going to a bar only to come home and smell like an ashtray that was left in the rain for two straight days? I know that if I, a celebrated smoker, thought it was gross then the masses of non-smokers were overjoyed with the fact that it was no longer allowed inside bars and restaurants. But let's get one thing straight: if I'm no longer allowed to smoke indoors, I have to go outside for the forseeable future. Can we agree on that? The amount of times that I have been viciously stared down outside of my office for having a cigarette can't even be counted on both hands. And, not to sound like a bitter New Yorker (shock!) but, I am a conscientious smoker so back off. I take a drag, hold the cigarette behind me, and exhale upwards- not in people's faces. That's just rude...and if I am one thing, it's courteous....sometimes.

So I just ask that people respect the fact that I go outside to enjoy my cancer-stick (and please stop calling them that), and I understand that not everyone enjoys smoke in their face but when it's windy, shit happens. Hell, I hate smoke being blown in my face and I willingly ingest it at least 5-6 times a day. Just stop staring at me like I am the devil. Smoking isn't illegal and if it was, I'd move. Count your blessings. Be greatful that you don't live in Europe, where everyone smokes wherever they want, sometimes ashing onto your plate of food (by accident, of course) and then pretending that it's a part of the "ambience," of the Old Country. It's not ambience, it's gross.

On behalf of us all, I extend the metaphorical olive branch and propose a peaceful co-existence between smokers and non-smokers alike. I understand that I can't smoke inside so please understand that in order to abide by the law, I have to go OUTSIDE. If you happen to be in the same 100 feet, suck it up and keep walking.